Staff Appreciation Event at the End of the World
As we rapidly approach the catastrophic 2°C in temperature rise, awaiting the destruction it promises to reap upon coastal societies, and the refugee crisis we can barely begin to even conceive, I find myself wondering so many things…
Which do you think would be more effective for employee retention?
- having more in-person happy hour events; or
- buying pizza on alternating Fridays?
If we really are approaching the end of this phase of organized human civilization, and are virtually guaranteed to find ourselves in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, wading through floating oceans of plastic, experiencing severe droughts and food shortages, and collecting rain water that is no longer safe to drink, should we have a different strategy for Threads than we did for Twitter?
This is exactly what I mean when I say that smart businesses need to have the courage to ask the tough questions.
Here are some things YOU probably need to think about, before it’s too late:
Should You Even Have a Remote Work Policy?
Is there even a point to reconsidering plans to force everyone back into the office?
Realistically, how many tons of CO2 could we even save if we all attempted to eliminate all of that commuting? Not much, I’m sure. Besides, traffic helps people unwind when they get home. It’s science.
But really, it’s just smart to bring people back to work. Commercial real estate and fossil fuel companies are central to any good investment portfolio. We obviously have to think about our retirement plans.
Speaking of which…
Should You Continue to Offer Retirement Plans?
You know, companies can probably save a lot of money by getting rid of retirement plans entirely for those not in the C-suite.
Since total societal collapse is probably more likely than retirement for any millennial, Gen Z or Gen Alpha, it seems like making this cut is, strategically, the best move.
The good part is the money saved from 401K matching can really free up some capital to give people some of the incentives they will really come to crave.
Should You Add New Benefits for Existing Employees and New Hires?
I hesitate to bring this up, just because I know money is tight, but trust me, all of these ideas pay for themselves.
- Should your company offer an additional sick day for employees whose homes are destroyed by wildfires? Good leaders need to be flexible.
- Is it in the budget to offer an annual subscription to Twitter Blue for any employee who gets B-I-N-G-O in species extinction Bingo? Make sure to put the Bees in the B column.
- Should your company begin offering potable water instead of a signing bonus or raise?
- Should you allow employees to have Hawaiian shirt Fridays (in June) and 4 extra, refillable, company-branded water bottles, if they agree to house a family of climate refugees?
- Should you tie employee productivity to priority access in the company bunker or shuttle to Mars?
There are countless ideas for how a smart company, can use the money saved in one place to create attractive benefits to encourage employee retention, in another.
It’s gonna take guts, it’s gonna require grit, and you’re gonna have to hustle.
Companies Cannot Afford to Get Distracted
It might seem like the future of our species is at stake, but if that were really true, wouldn’t you expect people and companies to make that the number 1 priority?
Earth will be fine. It has been able to survive, adapt and thrive throughout its 4.5 billion year history. Human society has only existed for the last 10,000 years or 0.0002% of the time Earth has existed. What harm could we possibly have done in that short time?
Obviously, all this talk of biodiversity collapse and increased extreme weather events, are alarmist distractions and nothing that the market cannot sort out. Besides, all of those sorts of problems are at least a decade away by most estimates. So, in the meantime, don’t get distracted.
Focus on what matters.
Get your team together, and come up with your strategy for Threads. It should definitely be different from other networks because Threads is different. My suggestion is that if you can get the corporate account up to 500 followers, you should throw an employee appreciation event.
Just remember to keep costs down and don’t host it outdoors…it’s getting pretty hot out there.
Bonus Strategies
I was really cooking when I started thinking of business strategies, so I hope you don’t mind a few more.
- You could use the money you saved by not flying your trans on gender non-conforming team members to the annual company meeting in Florida to send them some rainbow cupcakes instead!
- You could use the money saved from shutting down the DEI programs to institute a formal shout out program for employees from marginalized groups where, on an every other month basis, everyone says something nice and not racist about them, and, as a group, they get to pick where the company orders lunch from. Naturally, you’ll want to give them 3-4 options to choose from.
- If your company in a state without reproductive freedom, and one of your female employees gets pregnant, don’t worry. Instead of sending her out of state for healthcare, buy her a gun. It’s cheaper than travel arrangements and their kid will probably need it for self defense at school.
If you just put your thinking hat on and pay attention to what’s going on around you, I’m sure you’ll think of some really great strategies, too!
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Comment below if you either don’t understand this post or you have other strategies companies should consider.