Never let them tell you who you are

I just need to get this one off my chest.

I recently got an unsolicited message from Mr. Gotcha.

I have to confess, it wasn’t the real Mr. Gotcha…but the imitation was spot on.

Feeling Dissconnected

More than a year ago, Mr. Gotcha had messaged me after seeing one of my posts where I’d been criticizing the United States and, more broadly, Capitalism.

They assured me that for as long as they’d known me I was a staunch capitalist. They were aghast and befuddled with my sudden change. If only I’d read any of the 1,000+ blog posts I’d written and published since 2008, I might’ve had some context to understand their perspective.

During that same exchange, they explained to me how my book The Lovable Leader was, in fact, evidence of my pro-business leanings. Again, I was ashamed. Even though I’d spent 5 years writing the book and many hours narrating the audiobook version, I must’ve neglected to actually read it. Else I surely would’ve understood what they were talking about.

I don’t remember how that conversation ended. It might’ve trailed off or perhaps we agreed to go our separate ways.

Being Misconnected

A few days ago, I got a message from Mr. Gotcha.

He had me cornered. If there’s one thing that everyone knows about me, it’s that Batman is famously my fixation, and definitely my favorite superhero.

Making Sense of the World

“The world only makes sense if you force it to.”

• From Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Volume 1 #4

This post is not about whether I like Batman or Spider-Man more. It’s not about whether I’m a Capitalist or an Anti-Capitalist. In both cases, my record is (almost hilariously) beyond dispute.

And yet, someone still reached out to insist that they, not I, were the true authority on me. They spent time and energy across two conversations explaining to me my beliefs and the meaning of my own work while making it clear they hadn’t meaningfully engaged with any of it.

Apart from being irritating, it’s also a missed opportunity. Because I believe we should want to be held accountable for living up to who we aspire to be.

However, that should only be done in good faith, and in the spirit of helping us reach our goals.

Those who try to define us from the outside in order to force us to fit their own worldview, do both of us a disservice.

We lose the opportunity for a dialogue that encourages self-reflection and growth, and they lose the opportunity to expand their world so more of it makes sense.

Who we are

“And Yet…I’m Still Here”

• From Batman #20 by Tom King, Danny Miki, Trevor Scott, Jordie Bellaire, Deron Bennett, and David Finch

I am quite comfortable and clear about who I am and what I am out to accomplish. Yet I also recognize none of us are any one thing or an immutable identity.

We are a complex soup of beliefs and values. Some aspects of who we are will change over time, while others will stay with us from childhood through our final days.

We are what we say and do. We are how we make others feel. In some small way, we are what others say about us — typically as a result of our words and actions.

While the meaning of our lives is rarely confined to a single comment or action, we are heavily defined by our convictions and our record.

But what we are not, and what we should never let define us, are someone else’s misinterpretation or misreading of that record.

The World’s Greatest Detective

Have you heard the one about the world’s greatest detective who didn’t ask questions, failed to review the evidence, or skipped conducting thorough research?

Me neither.

Technically, we have the right to say whatever we want. We can confidently tell people who they are, what they are good at, what their record reveals. But in the end, we’re just sharing one perspective, and it’s one that might not be accurate.

A more effective and mutually rewarding experience would be to ask more questions, actually read what people write, and watch what they actually do.

By gathering more information, we can develop a more well informed perspective.

But should you find yourself on the receiving end of Mr. Gotcha, just remember that no one gets to tell you who you are.

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P.S. A Bonus Lesson inspired by my favorite hero: Batman

If you asked Batman, my favorite billionaire superhero, he might say:

“It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.”

• From Batman Begins (2005)

To that, I might respond:

What we are able to do is a direct function of the options available to us.

Bruce Wayne is a billionaire and therefore has access to options 99% of people can barely even imagine.

And what does he do with that vast wealth and influence? Fix systemic issues and root causes?

No, he built a bat-cave under his mansion, learned martial arts, and developed advanced gadgetry to better terrify and punch poor people criminals at night.

It’s great for the escapism and simplicity we crave when reaching for a Detective Comic. But the real solutions that could fix Gotham’s crime problem would be found in colorless white-papers and research journals.

Unfortunately, solving crime by reducing income inequality and poverty, and expanding access to education, healthcare, and affordable housing makes everything feel a little too real to sell comics.

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