There’s a particular conversation that comes up so frequently, you’ve almost certainly heard it before. While it does arise at work, more often you hear it outside of work—at a bar with friends or during family gatherings, like Thanksgiving.
“Well, I was [insert traumatic experience], and I turned out ‘just fine.’”
You might feel uneasy hearing this because it’s often said by people who are, most certainly, not “fine.” Today, we’re going to unpack the concept of “just fine” and explore ways to handle situations where this sentiment is expressed.
Why It’s Not “Just Fine”
There’s a pattern to the stories people tell before proclaiming they’ve turned out “just fine.”
These statements often serve to downplay something truly horrible or justify the continuation of harmful behaviors.
Example 1
If someone “just fine” were to say:
“I was hit as a kid, and I turned out just fine. Sometimes kids need a little fear of the belt.”
This suggests two things:
- They carry unexamined pain from being hit as a child.
- Some child may still be experiencing the same harm.
Neither is “fine.”
Example 2
If someone “just fine” were to say:
“Well, I had to raise my younger siblings while my parents worked, and I never had to run to some therapist about it. Clearly, I turned out okay.”
This implies two things:
- They haven’t addressed the emotional toll of taking on adult responsibilities as a child.
- They’re discouraging others from seeking help.
Neither is “fine.”
The Sounds of Silence
You might want to say something, but you hold back.
- You don’t want to start a fight.
- You’re unsure what to say and worry about embarrassing yourself—or them.
- You don’t want to make things awkward.
So, like many of us, you let it slide.
But, what should you say?
Don’t say anything. Instead, ask questions.
But…
- Don’t ask snarky, sarcastic questions.
- Don’t ask leading questions.
- Don’t ask “gotcha” questions.
Be genuinely curious. Ask for clarity without judgment. Look for what you don’t understand, and approach the conversation with the intention of learning.
By doing this, you can:
- To acknowledge and validate their pain, potentially helping them begin their healing process.
- To block and interrupt the harm, ensuring it doesn’t perpetuate.
Don’t try to be right. Don’t try to prove them wrong.
Instead, inspire thoughtful dialogue about their experiences and beliefs.
Find the Courage to Talk About It
- We’ve been conditioned not to question authority.
- We’ve been taught to prioritize politeness over honesty.
- We’ve been raised to revere history and tradition without scrutiny.
Perhaps it’s time to retire those lessons.
- Ask questions.
- Be honest.
- Always strive for better.
This doesn’t mean being mean, rude, or unpleasant.
If there’s discomfort, it shouldn’t be yours to bear—you’ve done nothing wrong. And, in most cases, neither has the person claiming to be “just fine.” Because again, they are often not “just fine” but doing what they need to cope with their own unprocessed pain.
It’s a truly superhuman skill to sit with harmful ideas and gently help someone discover, for themselves, how to love more fully—both themselves and others.
I hope you enjoyed this post!
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