Kind on Purpose

Without extraordinary filtering and maintenance, most of our newsfeeds are filled to the brim with bad news.

Even in the moments we detach from it, we sense it is still there.

We are drowning in stories of callous cruelty, repressive violence, and always more than 31 flavors of anger. We know that people are losing their jobs, we know that people are struggling to keep up with rising costs, we know that people are being abducted, imprisoned, and killed domestically and across the globe.

All of that either directly impacts us or weighs on our spirits as we try to move forward.

These days, true, genuine kindness can be so rare it is not only refreshing but surprising. Yet when people offer to help, or truly listen and validate our experience instead of judging it, or when they exhibit selfless action in service of something bigger, we feel it. We feel it deep inside of us.

It feels good, and it feels right. We want that. We aspire to be that.

But, “with everything going on,” it’s hard to always be kind.

Right?

The Case for Kindness

I believe that we can and should be kind to everyone because life is hard, life is precarious, and life is short.

Knowing this, the question becomes: why would we ever deliberately make it harder, or do anything that might make it more precarious or shorter?

When we react too quickly or approach interactions with a desire to win, we make our lives harder and our situations more precarious. We may create new enemies, put targets on our backs, or harm someone else who did nothing wrong. Depending on how we see or talk about ourselves, we may be forced to live with the misalignment between who we aspire to be or what our actions really say about us.

But when we choose to be kind, we no longer need to carry the stress that builds from conflict, and we can sleep more easily, unburdened from guilt.

I suspect, for many, what’s missing from being able to live this way are the tools to be kind and the permission to do it.

The good news is, the tools for living this way already exist inside of us. We just need to remember how to use them.

If you wish to be kind, more often, here’s how:

1. Learn to Be Kind to Yourself

For many of us, it’s difficult to truly love others until we’ve started to love ourselves.

If we have yet to work through our own insecurities and fears, or to accept ourselves, we will struggle to let others in, close enough to see the real us. Without that willingness to be vulnerable, the closeness and intimacy that brings real depth to a relationship will always be out of reach.

One aspect of loving ourselves is the ability to be kind to ourselves. We see this in…

• the willingness to accept failure but still celebrate the effort
• the capability to forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made
• the work of navigating our own self-talk to arrive at a place of self-acceptance

All of these examples are where we develop the capacity to see these same battles being fought in everyone we encounter.

Which leads to the next point…

2. See The Hurt

“And I knew right then and there that I was never gonna let anybody get by me without understanding they might be hurting inside, you know. ‘Cause life, it’s hard. It’s real hard.”

• Ted Lasso

At some point in everyone’s life, we come to understand what it is like to feel alone, to doubt ourselves, and to struggle. When we consider all of the ways in which life can be hard, and how all of us must live with the uncertainty of what tomorrow brings — including whether tomorrow will be their last — we gain the ability to become more conscious of this unifying human experience.

When we fail to think about this, ignore it, or forget it, we can slowly lose our connection to empathy. It is this disconnection that leads people to use their own struggles as fuel to harm others by picking at insecurities, pointing out weaknesses, and adding pressure to the circumstances already causing pain.

But within this behavior lies one of the greatest secrets to kindness because it is the exact inverse of that ability that creates the conditions for belonging, for growth, and for healing. The more clearly we can see the hurt in others, the more detailed the blueprint we have for how to make them feel cared for, to build trust, and to make them feel safe.

So, that leaves us with a choice…

3. Practicing the Choice

The choice to be kind in any given moment only presents itself once we have the ability to pause long enough to interrupt an unkind reaction.

That only happens once we can recognize all of the anger and hurt that has seeped in from the world around us and see that it is not the only option.

If we can do that, then can we see kindness as a choice. It is a choice, not based on how others behave, but about who we want to be, and how we want to shape the world we live in. When that choice becomes our default we take back ownership of our life and our role in shaping the world.

So all that’s left is the decision to do it.

Permission to Love

I don’t think anyone actually needs my permission or anyone’s permission to do anything. But maybe “permission” for you is akin to a push in a particular direction that you wanted to go anyway. So, for those who need that, I offer you this…

Today, I am giving you permission to be kind, all of the time, or as much as you can.

I am giving you the permission to do it unapologetically.

I am encouraging you to go beyond just hearing what people say, but to listen for what is unspoken.

I am allowing you to validate someone without agreeing with them.

I am telling you that offering to help people by default is perfectly ok, and not something to second guess.

I am pushing back against the prohibition on generosity and telling you to give lovingly in all directions.

I am assuring you that it is not crazy to believe that everyone is hurting in some way, and could use a little more kindness.

There are very few moments where kindness is the wrong choice.

Every choice is a vote for the kind of world we want, and every day, each of us get a lot of votes.

So get out there and vote!

Sincerely and Heroically,

Jeff

P.S. I want to address any of the resistance you felt throughout this post and that I felt while writing it:

• Being kind does not mean being nice. Nice is about appearances, kindness is about care, values, and outcomes.
• Being kind does not mean letting people take advantage of you. That would not being kind to yourself.
• Being kind does not mean allowing people to escape accountability or justice. Kindness is an opt-out policy and those who are callous and cruel have opted-out.
• We should be kind to people, but ruthless with systems. In the best cases, our systems would be reflections of the kindness of our people.

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